Identity Crisis

I think the hardest part of becoming a mother is reconciling the person I am with the person I want to be as Nadia’s mother. The person I want to be Nadia’s mother is very, very different from the person I am now, and the juxtaposition is jarring, and it makes me feel panicked, like I’ll just suck horribly at motherhood. I’ve never considered myself to be a mommy type – I’ve never been one to get all excited over babies, or baby type stuff. I’ve never really enjoyed babysitting. But here I am, about to become an actual mother – a change which I DO find exciting. I want to be the best possible mother, but it’s hard for me to feel like I will be a good mother, when so much of my character is not particularly maternal. Here is some of what I mean –

Nadia’s mother does not swear, or complain, or make snotty comments about things that are stupid – the types of speech that comprise 80% of all of Dana’s communications. Nadia’s mother lives by the phrase “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Dana lives by the phrase “If you don’t have something interesting to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Nadia’s mother only cooks nourishing, balanced meals from scratch. Nadia’s mother sits at the table when she eats, and uses napkins. Nadia’s mother has perfect manners, always. Dana likes to eat in front of the TV, on the couch, while watching Downton Abbey. For dinner she might have a giant bowl of mashed potatoes, half a bottle of Champagne, and chocolate. Or for breakfast.

Nadia’s mother protects her child from corrupting influences, and only allows her child to watch intellectually stimulating programming, like documentaries about the history of US foreign policy in Nicaragua, or maybe Sesame Street. Dana likes to watch extremely violent horror movies, and trashy TV programs about weight loss.

Nadia’s mother is always supportive and kind, and warm and fuzzy. Nadia’s mother makes Nadia feel loved and safe. Nadia’s mother is nurturing. Dana has tendency to be cold and dispassionate – not because she doesn’t care, but that’s just how she comes off sometimes. Dana would find it hard to be supportive if her daughter wanted to do certain things, like play soccer, or ride bicycles. There would not likely be a lot of nurturing of any horse-riding tendencies, if Dana were in charge.

Nadia’s mother is strict, and would never allow her child to talk back to a teacher, or use foul language, or stay up past her bedtime. Dana thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to talk back to a teacher if the teacher is dumb, Dana likes foul language, and Dana doesn’t care about bedtimes at all. Sleep when you’re tired. Figure it out.

It’s very important to me to be a good mother, and to set a good example for my child. If I were going to change my character in order to be a perfect mom, I would have approximately two weeks to change, or at least learn to conceal, the aspects of my character that are not suitable to motherhood. The problem is, I like the aspects of my character that need to be changed. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am in favor of being a “mommy”. I want to be a good mother without changing who I am, but that’s seeming less and less possible, the more I think about it.

I think for me, the solution will be compartmentalization. From now on, I have two identities. I am Dana – the person you currently know. And I am also “Nadia’s Mother” – who is all about being a perfect mother and not having bad habits. Both people will reside in me, and I will switch on and off as suits the occasion. That way I can still enjoy being the person I am – when Nadia’s asleep or not around – and I can still be a good mother.