Sleep – The Most Dangerous Activity

As a new mother, I’ve been given lots of advice on how to make my baby sleep better. Most of the advice makes perfect sense, and I’m grateful to receive it. However, when taken as a whole, it is impossible to follow sleep advice, because EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS. AND EVERYTHING IS CONTRADICTORY. I’m being 100% serious. There is no safe, effective way for a baby to sleep. Anytime Nadia sleeps, she is courting death.

Here is what I’ve been told about baby sleep –

1) She must sleep on her back.
2) If she sleeps on her back, she might choke to death on her vomit, like some degenerate 70s musician.
3) If she sleeps on her back, she must remain elevated, in order to prevent reflux.
4) It’s best for her to sleep on her stomach, to help with gas pains.
5) Sleeping on her stomach will kill her, because her face could get smashed into the mattress and she will suffocate and die.
6) Sleeping on her side is best, because it will prevent her from choking to death on her vomit.
7) Sleeping on her side will kill her, because she will roll over and suffocate herself and die.
8) Babies like to sleep swaddled, so make sure to wrap her up in a blanket nice and tight.
9) Babies should never sleep with blankets, because the blanket could somehow get wrapped around her neck like a fucking boa constrictor and suffocate her. OR it will get pulled over her face, and it will suffocate her.
10) She should sleep in our room with us, so we can monitor her and keep her safe from suffocation and vomit.
11) She should not sleep in our room, because it’s a bad habit and we’ll never get her out of there if we start it now.
12) She should sleep in our bed, because it keeps her happy.
13) She should not sleep in our bed, because we will roll over on her and kill her.
14) You will only roll over on her and kill her if you’re drunk or something. KEEP HER IN YOUR BED!
15) YOU’RE HITLER! HOW DARE YOU ADVOCATE KILLING BABIES? DOCTORS SAY! EXPERTS SAY!
16) She should sleep in her swing, because babies like the rocking motion – it’s soothing.
17) Except babies should not be in a swing for more than a half hour at a time, because swings haven’t been tested for sleep safety.
18) A used crib will kill your baby, because the mattress has chemicals and mold in it that will cause….asphyxiation?
19) A new crib will kill your baby, because the chemicals on the mattress are still fresh and will cause….asphyxiation?
20) A chemical-free mattress will kill your baby because those chemicals prevent fires. Do you want your baby to die engulfed in flames? WELL DO YOU?
21) Bassinets are good for the baby – use a bassinet!
22) Bassinets are dangerous, because the baby will grow out of it too quickly and will topple out of it and hurt herself. Or die, of course.
23) Bassinets are fine, as long as the sides are made of mesh, in order to prevent suffocation.
24) In order to elevate the baby, you cannot use pillows or blankets or anything like that, because they will kill her. Instead, you should prop the mattress up, but putting blocks underneath it.
25) Never let your baby sleep in a mombo, or on a bean bag chair. Because, suffocation. Yes, it is effective, and yes, your baby loves sleeping in the bean bag chair. But don’t do it. Your baby will die.
26) OK, you can let her sleep in the mombo, but ONLY if you stay awake and watch her the entire time.
27) Don’t let the room be too warm – it can somehow kill your baby.
28) Use a baby monitor to make sure your baby doesn’t die.
29) Baby monitors can be hacked by creeps, so don’t use them.
30) Never let her sleep in a car seat. Car seats have not been approved for safe sleeping.
31) If she won’t sleep, strap her in the car seat and go for a drive!
32) Do not allow any toys to be in the crib with your baby when she sleeps. They will kill her.
33) Get a sleep aid toy and put it in the crib with her – something that makes soft music and has a little light show.
34) Your baby should be sleeping for 3-4 hours at a time.
35) Your baby should be getting on a more regular schedule now.
36) Have your baby sleep with a pacifier to help prevent reflux and SIDS.
37) Don’t allow your baby to use a pacifier – they cause tooth and gum problems.

These are just off the top of my head. And these are just the safety rules! Don’t get me started on the sleep rules for proper intellectual and emotional growth!